#MNR: Christmas Rappin’
“Merry Christmas, nuhccas!”
Pinky – Owner, Pinky’s Records & Discs, Rancho Cucamonga, CA
Ah, yes. Gather round ye olde yuletide fireplace. Bring your reefa and rollie with you, and it better not be harracha. Alas, it is Christmas time again in the city. I don’t know which specific city that white man was referring to in the song, so I’ll accept any city. Regardless, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Did y’all see what I just did? I gave y’all every damn piece of holiday lingo I could muster. If that’s not enough of a reason to get in the holiday spirit, then I have a “bah humbug” and a lump of coal for you.
THE REASON FOR THE SEASON
Never forget the true blessing of Christmas, which is the birth of Christ, even though he wasn’t born in no damn December. That’s beside the point. Think of Christ. Think of his love for others. Think of his love for YOU. Think of the ultimate sacrifice he made.
Speaking of lumps of coal, here’s my Top 5 list of coal recipients for Christmas 2021:
Covid-19 – This makes two Christmases in a row for you, you punk, uninvited MF. You’ve been a bad, bad boy yet again. And now you’ve promoted Omicron to lead vocalist. That MF is running through America like Forrest Gump, just as steady and perhaps even more simple-minded. I just pray that you miss me and mine. We don’t need the suffering. AND…you finna have the NBA Christmas day schedule looking like a summer Pro-Am Saturday. Damn near errbody is in protocol. The NBA already looks like the NFL strike of 1982 (IYKYK). At this rate, a nigga who backed up the backup in high school may get a ten-day contract.
US Senator Joe Manchin – Man, just sign off on the BBB legislation. I’ve been through your poor ass state twice. Your constituents could use the extended Child Tax Credits, universal free preschool, and expanded Medicare. But, knowing old Money Manchin, he’ll reconsider if Sleepy Joe and Congress fluff him to a good ejaculation. Just tickle his [CENSORED] while you stroke. Don’t look at me sideways. I got that intel from a multimillionaire coal mining executive.
President “Sleepy” Joe Biden – Old man, you didn’t keep your word. But in all fairness, you seem to be in some phase of senility, so you may have forgotten what you promised.
Every “Karen” in America – You’re giving my great friend/soon-to-be retired coworker and my old English teacher a bad name. Your privilege is especially appalling. You MF really think you have carte blanche and autonomy to give orders and shut shit down like y’all own the world. Or maybe that’s the root of the problem, thinking that you really do own the world. All I can say is…please don’t test my level of retardation (my apologies to the PC readers, or fuck you, whichever you choose), for I will be forced to revisit the old Ty Nitty of Huntley World infamy and talk to you crazier than a drunk pimp in a liquor store cussing contest. I don’t disrespect women [anymore – long, long time], but I’ll do a “Karen” extra dirty. SMMFD. Bitches.
All Botters (Except for my bro Lo) – I refuse to pay $1,000 for a PS5. I’m tired of paying $100-200 above retail price for my kix. In all honesty and full disclosure, I’m just hating because I don’t have bots of my own, or else I’d be taxing the fuck out of y’all for any and everything I can get my hands on. I know, I ain’t shit. But this isn’t about me or my desire to make a fortune in the resale bitness. This is about all you bitches who make sites like StockX imperative to being able to cop shit. Fuck y’all.
There are others, but I just wanted to highlight those who most excelled at being dipshits this year.
Merry Christmas to the great Tsunami Surf. With all due respect to Eazy the Block Captain (the talk really is different), you’re my battler of the year. Keep your foot on the gas pedal. Keep holding Big Jersey down. Salute. And by the way, your album was crazy too.
I really do love Mariah Carey and almost everything she’s done professionally but, on behalf of the Black community, we’d like to let all you white music “experts” know that “All I Want For Christmas Is You” IS NOT our GOAT Christmas song. It’s not even on most of our top five lists. So please stop propagating that myth. If we’re not talking The Temptations, Donny Hathaway, or Boyz II Men/Brian McKnight first, there is no discussion. She’s in my top ten though. I love you, Mariah. I always have and I always will.
If I can see the pole in your faux Christmas tree, it may be time for a new one. Having said that, I’m certain that if Queen Shareon were still alive, the Christmas tree would be making its 42nd consecutive appearance. It looked more like the Festivus Pole (big ups to my Uncle Frank Costanza) with decorations the last ten years of its run. Love you mommy.
I hope everyone gets EVERYTHING they want on Saturday. I’m going to assume that you are all flawless or near-perfect like myself and deserve any and everything you ask for like myself. Look, if you have to max out a couple of credit cards or borrow from a neighborhood loan shark to put a smile on your ungrateful chillun or tired ass husband’s/wife’s faces, it’s all worth it. What’s a bit of bad credit or threats from a known leg breaker to appease the ones you love?
NOTES FROM THE EDITOR
All jokes aside, I wish the best for everyone this Christmas. I pray that every child at least gets something off their lists, if not everything (but only if they were nice). I hope everyone has some family and/or friends that they can enjoy the holidays with. I know the feeling of being lonely on the holidays. It’s horrible, although it can lead to some brilliant writing. I pray that all are nourished properly and have clothing and shelter. As for me…I don’t have a need, and I have few wants. I’m blessed beyond measure, and I’m thankful. I’ll also be accepting any and every gift given. It doesn’t matter if you’re a stranger. Thank you in advance. Merry Christmas. Our highly anticipated Year in Review blog hits the newsstands next Monday. You won’t want to miss. Until then, I’m a be thugging behind a project building…
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